Getting To the Core of A Child’s Fear Of School

This is a featured article by Gene Monterastelli from EFT Q&A http://eftQandA.com a website dedicated to answering your most pressing EFT Questions. In this article Gene answers a question from a mother whose 11 year old daughter developed a fear of school. In his comprehensive answer, Gene provides an outline of how the mother can approach and get to the core of the problem using EFT. If you have any questions about EFT that you would like answered you can submit your question at http://eftQandA.com

By Gene Monterastelli

QUESTION

My daughter has suddenly developed a fear of school, (she’s 11). She has previously been very very happy there, and has no reason to feel like this. She really wants to go but feels she can’t, and doesn’t know why? Any ideas?

ANSWER

Obviously, with such a little amount of information, there is no real way to answer this question. There are a whole host of reasons that could be contributing to this fear. It could be associated with the classroom, something on the play ground, or something with the other students.

When we don’t know the root cause of an emotion

What the situation does do is give us a good backdrop to talk about how do we approach an emotional response when we have no idea of where the emotions are coming from.

There are two basic tacks that we can take. I would recommend taking both of them at the same time. They are, to deal with the emotions in the moment and to investigate to find the root of the emotions. By doing this we are able to help the fear in the short term and by trying to find the roots of the fear so there won’t be the same response in the future.

The Emotion Right Now

One of the blessings of Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is the fact that we are able to use it right now for the emotions we are feeling in this moment. In this case I would recommend two things.

First, I would recommend spending some time before going to bed tapping on the fear about going to school the next day. If the fear is large enough it is not going to happen just as she is walking out the door for school, but more than likely is going to be present the night before. It is good to deal with this at bedtime because this fear is going to affect her quality of sleep.

Second, I would recommend spending some time tapping in the morning before heading out the door to school or even on the ride to school.

In both cases the tapping is very simple. I would have her explain to me how the fear feels, how her body feels, and what she is worried about. I wouldn’t use any complicated tapping phrases. I would have her tell me the story of what is going on in her body and her head while she is tapping.

Investigating the Roots

Now that we have gotten the fear in the moment under a little more control we can start to look around for what the root cause is.  I would start to investigate by asking questions around the common reasons an 11 year old wouldn’t want to go to school.

Questions to ask to get to the core of an issue

My questions would be something like this:

1) Why does she feel like she can’t go? It sounds like the questions has been asked but it is a good place to start every time. Often people, not just kids, have a hard time admitting why they are afraid. By asking again they might give an answer they didn’t before.

2) What could go wrong if she does go to school? When dealing with fear it is usually rooted in not wanting to experience a bad outcome. They might be able to name the outcome they fear and not associate that with the fear itself.

3) The feeling of not wanting to go, what does it remind her of? The is a classic EFT investigation question. When you don’t know the root, see what it reminds you of. Lots of information can be found here.

4) If she could change one thing about school what would it be? Sometimes we don’t want to say what we fear, but we are willing to say what we would like to see different. Fear is often associated with weakness. We don’t like share why we are fearful. This question lets us answer without looking weak.

5) If she could go to a new school how would the new school be different from her old school? This is very much like the last questions. By giving them a chance to say what they want, we are giving them an out of not having to say what they don’t want or fear.

6) If she could go to school tomorrow and know one person was not going to be there, who would she want that person to be? No one likes to be a tattletale. Also for kids there might be fear of retaliation for turning a bully in. This way they don’t have to tell on someone else and still be able to state their needs.

7) When she is not at school, what does she think the other students say about her? People, not just kids, can be ruthless. We don’t like to be place where we are being picked on, but again we don’t like to be tattletales. By asking the question in this fashion we are not asking her to tell on anyone. Instead, she is pretending what they might say. This is a safe way to share what she fears.

Obviously this is just a start, but I think it is a good start. It is important to remember that with EFT we always have two plans of attack. We can deal with what we are feeling right now and we can deal with the roots of the emotions. If we can find our way in with both tacks, then we should use them. Just because we don’t know the root, doesn’t mean we are helpless. We can always go after what is going on right now until we get to the root of the issue.

Gene Monterastelli is a Baltimore based EFT practitioner. He regularly works with clients in the areas of stress, weight loss, limiting beliefs, anxieties, learning disabilities, pain management, and relationship issues. There is a very special place in his practice that is dedicated to parents of special needs children, especially for parents of children who have been diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Click here to check out Gene’s Stress Busting Products

Decisions We Make As Children

I recently had an EFT session with a woman who has suffered anxiety and depression since her childhood shortly after her father committed suicide. Naturally this is a tragic, deeply traumatic and sad event in any child’s life. She has consequently had years of therapy and whilst she can talk about her father’s death now, it took a very long time before she could do so. At the time and understandably so, due to the level of grief and overwhelm experienced by her mother and family, no-one ever talked about what happened or comforted her in any way and all she remembers is feeling so completely alone, scared and with this constant aching sadness in her heart. After her dad’s death she was always sent to school early and remembers sitting and crying alone and in fear behind the shelter sheds. The family’s grief was so deep and their ability to function normally so severely impaired that her needs for comfort and support were not able to be met by her immediate family.

After tapping on several issues around her father’s death, how she felt as a child and other issues currently affecting her life, she became saddened to realise just how much of her life has been consumed by this and that she was still in part hanging on to the past, despite wanting very much to move on and “get on with it.”  So at this point we tapped on:

“Even though part of me is still hanging on to the past, I deeply and completely accept myself.”

“Even though I’m so sad that this has consumed so much of my life that I don’t even know what it’s like not to have it, I deeply and completely accept myself.

“Even though I’ve not had the career, the family, the life I wanted because of this, I deeply and completely accept myself.”

“Even though if I give up the past now I won’t know where I’ll be, who I am or where to go, I choose to focus on my personal vision of peace” (which she described earlier, as the life she wanted)

As she tapped on this, a very significant memory of herself as a child popped into her head. She distinctly remembered making a decision “to be miserable.” The reasoning behind this was “if I am miserable someone might come.” She explained that as a child she always felt sad, alone and scared, often crying for hours waiting for someone to come and comfort her but no-on ever did. This “childhood decision” was made at a time when she was in deep mourning for the loss of her father. The “decision to be miserable” became a part of her life and how she experienced it from then on. Something that is likely to be at the core of her depression. So we tapped on something to this effect:

“Even though I made a decision as a child to be miserable, I am an adult now and choose to make a different choice. I choose to be happy and focus on my personal vision of peace instead and let go of the vow I made as a hurt, sad and lonely child”

As we know childhood events shape our lives. I can’t help but wonder how different her life may have been, if as a child living under those circumstances, she had EFT to release all those feelings of sadness, hurt and loneliness. Of course that would not have bought her father back, but the deep pain in her heart that she has felt ever since and that manifests as anxiety, may have definitely been eased.

I think this highlights the importance of teaching our children to tap, whatever opportunity we get because we may never know when they might need it in the future. A happy carefree child today may lose a parent or be subjected to any other similar tragedy tomorrow. A child who has lost a parent (or suffered any other tragedy) in today’s age does have access to these tools and we as adults have the ability to make a difference by teaching it to them.

Do you remember any negative choices you made as a child? Could they be affecting the quality of your life? If so, you have the opportunity as an adult to tap and erase that choice and replace it with a healthier choice. Consider what being at peace means for you and add it to your choice statement when you tap on it.

“Even though as a child I made a choice to……., I deeply and completely accept myself and choose to focus on……(your vision of peace) instead.”

As the author of Tapping For Kids my mission is to help as many children as possible learn “the art of tapping” so that they have the opportunity either with an adult or alone in their room or behind the shelter sheds or in any moment of need to release the strong and overwhelming emotions that they are confronted with. Peaceful children are more likely to become peaceful adults.

Help create peace in the life of a child by teaching them to use EFT routinely as a way of healing and soothing emotional upsets.

Angie Muccillo
Author of Tapping For Kids
Advanced EFT Practitioner
Melbourne, Australia

angiemuccillo@gmail.com

+61417 391 055